Encuesta_Licencias

 

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It's a bit of a chicken and egg senario. He won't be dominant and enter into a 'Taken in Hand' relationship while I am such a COW to him (mainly through frustration) and I cannot be well behaved and submissive until he becomes dominant.

We have now been going on like this for over a year. How can we resolve this?

Ronyag

by RONYAG on 2006 May 27 - 21:37 | reply to this comment
Just because or else
It doesn't work quite like that for me. I mean, I don't on the whole obey my husband because I am afraid of the consequences if I don't. What happens is if there is something I'm supposed to do that I am reluctant to do, I'll get told something like "You will do this, and I will not have you defying me" or "Who is the master here?" and I find that any spirit of definace collapses immediately and I feel quite compliant again. Likewise if I'm in a bad mood or sulky or something he'll just say something like "Having one of your little moments, are you?" or "Don't get funny with me, or you know what will happen", and I find that my bad mood just ebbs away. It's not so much that I do things for fear of the consequences, as that my husband is able, quite easily, to banish any feeling of defiance or resistance and make me want to do as I'm told.

This is slightly different from how I envisiged it being at the beginning of our Taken In Hand relationship. I was so surprised and grateful when my husband seemed to understand what I wanted, and to be willing to try it, that I was sure that I was going to be a model of domestic compliance and would happily do everything he told me to do and never argue with him or get annoyed about anything. The tide of gratitude carried me along for a while as I threw myself into domesticity with increased enthusiasm if not competence. However, the glow soon wore off and I found to my dismay that I could still be sulky or resentful if told to do something, or told off for not having done something I was supposed to. That my husband was not in the least disturbed by this, but just took it in his stride, was a big surprise to me, but a very pleasant one. He just assumes that it is his job to make me behave myself.

This in fact is what he is supposed to be doing from a 'traditional' point of view. In Gillis's other book "For Better or Worse: British Marriages 1600 to the Present", he points out that the man was supposed to be able to keep order in the home. If a man was known to have a nagging or adulterous wife, social disapproval tended to be directed more at him than at her, because he was seen to have failed to keep his wife in order. In much the same way I suppose that nowadays people say "I blame the parents" when they talk about unruly or problem children, a badly behaved wife was seen as a failure on her husband's part to control her properly. Although I am not by inclination either nagging or adulterous, I can be very temperemental, and I find it intensely pleasurable when my husband is able to override these rebellious feelings and make me compliant again.